What makes me too unproductive

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Apparently, I get too irritated easily whenever I am at home.
Stuff happens in the house and school is the only place where I could breathe.
Sadly, I couldn't find time to finish other things that I have to.
Time management? Yeah sure. If they would just give me time to breathe.
I get stressed on things that should not be my concern.
I currently have mild depression (and don't ask how I discovered) because of things that are happening around me.
Financial problems, Family problems, *inserteverythinghere* problems.
It's tiring. Too tiring. Also, too constricting.
My head hurts but hey! I am still alive up until now.
The things around me forced me to tell lies to myself which disgusted me.
I am too disgusted at myself apparently.
I lied a lot of times on myself.
I convince myself about things and they weren't true.
...But it is too avoid those deadly attempts and all.
Up until now, I am in a battle.
Opponents are getting more difficult to fight with.
They all increase in numbers.
Physical and emotional.
...Exhausting wars.
I keep on making a lot of mistakes.
Sadly, I am afraid to say that one more mistake might lead to the end of every good thing and progress that I have done in my whole life. Hahahaha
I have been reckless.
I have been careless.
I relied on my mind too much.
I should have relied on my instincts.
My instincts are better in things like these.
...I am at my weakest apparently.
I am too unstable to talk to people.
But hey, in a few hours, I have to go to school.
There are group works which is why I have to talk to people.
I also have to talk to someone during lunch... Or after our design subject.
Speaking of design, I am cramming too much.
Then again, all these new ideas always come when it is almost finished.
I have to restart. Luckily, we will be passing everything next week.
...But this week should be the making of the scale model.
...Then... Perhaps, I'll start on Wednesday for that. Yep yep. Hopefully, not one of them would interfere my peace.
A lot of things happened lately.
Last week was our college week.
Things I did on that week was all worth it.
Sadly, nothing lasts forever.
I was too worn out last week.
Every day and night, I had to do something. hahahaha
But I survived!
Sadly, I didn't have the chance to help my block mates in their play and also show support in their games.
I managed to watch our play. Welp~ The good news is that they won.
I am happy for them. ^^
Based on my observations, they all acted as a family which is good.
They were all united. That's what I really wanted in a class.
Looks like the prayers of my child self was answered this school year, huh.
I just wish I can take care of those wishes that my child self made.
I am on the verge of falling again. 
My knees were weaker than before.
Just a little more then I can survive this chapter.
Hopefully, the Dude in the Heavens won't give up on me.
I think that was the only wish that my soul asked Him.
Not to give up on me.
I am okay if I won't be saved but for the mean time, I hope He won't give up on me yet.
I am almost giving up.
My strength is gone.
I am currently losing myself in the sea of colors.
I became a prisoner of the world of ignorance.
...If I fall, if I rise, would it matter?
...But then, if I will be able to rise in my great downfall, I hope I could also pull the other prisoners up too.
...Then we will all be happy.
...Then all will be in harmony.
...Easier said than done.
...But it shouldn't happen, right?
...That would be the end of the world.
...Because balance would be destroyed.
Last week was fun.
...But it also isn't.
Today is also good.
...But it also isn't.
I don't really know anymore. Hahahahaha
I am just disappearing in these wonderful hues.
...Which is partly good because the world will forget me.
...Which is partly sad if you look at it in a selfish way.
...Perhaps I am selfish...
...And I am just paying the price...
...Perhaps I am evil...
...And this is my punishment...
...I don't know...
...No one knows...
...I lost contact to my close friends...
...Everyone is in the monotonous melody of this backward world.
...Those who are not a part of the song meets the sad consequences.
...A lot of things are in my head...
...I just don't know if there are words that are existing to describe all of them.
I have been traveling far. I don't know where my path is leading too.
...Because I took my own path where there are no signage or something.
...It is an undiscovered path for me.
...Which is why I don't have the right equipment with me.
...Which is why I am having a hard time solving the puzzles.
...If I listen to what's left in my spirit, perhaps...
...I don't know anymore... I couldn't hear myself. xD
...But...
...Perhaps it would be needing a lot of help right now...
...But then if I ask for help, this world will crush the last part of me.
...This is a great bargain.
...If I lose this last piece then I might just be dead and give up...
...I have to stop taking risks...
I never win after all...
I always lose... Hahahaha
...I wonder what would happen to me if I took the other path.
Would I be happy? Would that happiness be permanent?
No one knows. Perhaps the other reality know but they would also wonder about this reality.
Welp... It is all mutual for both realities. hahahaha
All is different but the only thing that is common for them is that all of the me in each reality won't commit suicide.
...We all made this promise to our child self that we won't do that.
...The temptation is strong but we can still handle it.
A writer who is taking architecture...
A warrior whom the world never wanted took the risk just to prove them that she could do it.
The random stranger who never listened to the warnings of everyone which is why the whole world is laughing at her.
...The sheep who went astray just to discover the beauty beyond those fences will be eaten by the wolves soon.
That is life, right?
The weak will never survive.
It is a battle of survival in the modern jungle.
After all, our crying real selves will never be heard because we have to ignore and lock them away to survive.
Yeaaaaahhhhh... That's what makes me unproductive... And I don't know what that is. xD
I am sure you get the idea. xD
...Or not. xD
I do have this feeling that only few people would get the idea. hahahaha
I got off the topic once again but heyyy... At least, I was able to rant it out.
...It turned out to be a very long rant...
hahahahahahaahahaha

Happy late Valentine's day...? xD
That day really is a strange day. xD
Speaking of that day, the results of the writing contests I joined were out.
...I didn't won in any of them... Wahahahahahaha xD
That is epic. xD
Welp~ My writing style is not what they are looking for. Hahahaha
Mine shows the darker side of reality but they wanted something that has a Catholic vie-
Heeeeeeeeeeeey! Mine has... Some... Of... Them... B-but! But! but... It is the darker versio-
...Oh yeah... They wanted the romantic type... Ha... Ha... Hahahaha
The style that I won't do... xD
Hahaha
...Perhaps... Mine is too vague...
...Meeeehhh... I don't care anymore.
I am already happy with my writing style which is why losing those contest is okay. :3
Wow... This entry is a long one.
I should have just slept instead of typing this... xD
But it is fine~
At least, I get to say that I am still alive and well. hahahahahaha xD

...To those people I trust most...
I don't care anymore if I sound desperate.
...Please... Just do this favor...
...I promise to pay all of you back...
...But please...
...If all else fails, never give up on me.
...But it is okay if you won't do it. :)
It is a choice that I will gladly respect. :3

-Rapha the Raph-raff Bow-wow (reigeljane)
© 2015 - 2024 reigeljane
Comments3
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Zelifano's avatar
Tight Hug
I'm sorry to hear this. But... well... I would try to confort you... but... I just don't know what to say. The least and only thing I can do for you, is thightly embrace you. Because I passed on sad periods too... some periods that made me want to finish it all... but I was saved... I was saved, by only a pair of person, the only people that were true where all around there were only false. Just... I hope you have the same fortune as me.
Sorry if I said something that hurted you, sincerly I didn't know what to say, but I wanted to say something, 'cause, even if we are distant, and I don't know the most of you, I still care of you.
Lovely Shoujo Emoji (Huggy Hug) [V2]